Lonely or Alone?

Happy Holidays! I hope you are enjoying your time with your families.

So, there's something that keeps standing out to me as I am learning about gifted children and their needs... alone time.

I have definitely struggled with worrying about my kids being lonely or friendless because of their desire to be alone at times. But, when I’ve taken the time to observe their actions when alone or to discover why they want to be alone, my worry becomes less and I have those “Aha!” moments.

For example, a few years ago, I took my son on a mission trip with a group of teens. We worked at a camp in the mountains of Jamaica.

Before going to the camp, we took the kids to a beach to swim in the clear blue water. The kids were doing what kids do in the water, playing and clowning around. From the beach, I started looking for my son. He was off by himself, away from the group. I wondered why he wasn’t joining in and was a little worried. I walked out in the water to find out what he was doing. “Mom, do you see the little fish? Look, I’ve made a net out of my shirt. It is perfect for catching them! At first, it was challenging but I changed my design and now I can catch them.” “Aha!” moment number 1.

“Aha” moment number 2 came at the end of our stay. We were privileged to stay in a nice hotel with a rooftop pool. Late in the evening, the group decided to go for a swim. Everyone was laughing and having a fantastic time. At one point, I noticed that the group had circled up in the center of the pool and were talking. My son, however, was off by himself sitting quietly in shallow water. My thoughts were: I should go over and tell him to join the group. I wish he could bond with these kids. He always has a hard time connecting with kids his own age. Here we go again!

I decided to go up to the water’s edge and ask him what he was doing. What he told me was not what I expected to hear.

“Mom, look what I’ve noticed! If I exhale, then my body does not float as well. But, if I breathe deeply, and then I hold my breath, I float! I wonder why that is. Do you think it’s connected?”

MY kid was experimenting with buoyancy while his age peers were doing what we would expect teens to be doing in a pool late at night. “Aha!” moment number 2.

One of my favorite quotes from chapter 2 of Parenting Gifted Kids is, “There is a difference between being lonely and simply being alone… Being alone means that you value your mind enough that you would like it to accompany you occasionally on an otherwise solo mission into better understanding yourself and the world.”

As parents, I think there are some important questions to ask ourselves:

Do we work time into our schedules for our kids to have the alone time they need? Are our schedules so packed with activities that the only time to be alone is when their eyes are closed in their beds? Do we encourage quiet time in the lives of our kids? Are we helping them to value the thoughts in their minds by allowing them to pay attention to them during alone time? Do we show that WE value their minds by being quiet ourselves and listening to what our children are truly thinking?

Finally, I leave you with an explanation of 2 pictures from this Christmas. My parents had asked my son what he would pick if they gave him a choice to have anything in their house he wanted. Most teens… the computer, the big screen TV… my son immediately said the bank in your room. (It’s an old bank modeled after the old post office boxes) Well, they gave it to him for Christmas. In the chaos of present opening, I looked over and there he is, sitting alone quietly, with the bank open, trying to figure out how the combination lock worked. “Aha!”